14 reasons why I’d rather be single on Valentine’s Day

Whether you love it, hate it, or just downright dread it, the 14 of February is fast approaching. As much as you may try to deny yourself of the “singles” experience, it seems every trip to the supermarket leaves you surrounded by plush toys, giant bouquets of deep red roses and aisles upon aisles of boxed chocolates.

I’ve never understood why people make such a big deal out of being single on Valentine’s Day? If anything, those who just so happen to find themselves single should celebrate the fact that they don’t have to waste their money and affection on a crappy hallmark-inspired day!
Please don’t wait for that one day a year to declare your love for me! If you’re in love with me, form an orderly line behind the rest, eventually you will be given a sword and you can fight for my love and affection. I would find that much more fulfilling and “romantic” than any corny card or “romantic” gesture.

But that’s me, and regardless of how I feel, declaring your love for your sweetheart through material clichés on this particular day seems to have caught on quite nicely, as now more so than ever, the expectation and struggle for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift or the right romantic occasion has become real.

Personally, I’m not particularly phased by the whole thing. The expectation placed on your significant other to do something “special” and “romantic” doesn’t really scream “thoughtful” or “romantic” at all.

Call me warped, but my perception of romance is a lot different. A romantic gesture to me is when he see’s you’ve had a stressful day and brings you home a bottle of wine (he understands your needs). A romantic gesture is when he knows you have no plans, so he makes plans for the two of you (he knows you can be needy). A romantic gesture is when he lets you choose the music you fall asleep to (he appreciates your good taste in music); not when the thought of not buying you the ring you demanded, that you picked out of the shop window, makes him fear for his life – it’s important you distinguish the two.

On the contrary to that, I feel like men aren’t particularly good at romantic gestures. Like, have you seen how many guys propose to their girlfriends at sporting events?! Like dude… really? She has to report back to her girlfriends and give the whole “how did he propose” speech, do you know how horrible that story would be to retell? And why do you think women get complete control over planning the wedding? I will tell you, it’s because men don’t care. In fact their care factor probably extends to the point of, “will there be beer there?”

Furthermore, we place too much expectation on these poor, simple beings to produce our most wild and unrealistic romantic fantasies and then bash them for trying and falling short. Romantic novels and too many chick flicks have sent us all a bit loopy. I’m sorry a fictional character you found yourself relating to ruined the reality of your “first love” for you. I’m sorry you spent the last three Valentines Day’s alone in bed eating Tim Tam’s and naming your soon-to-be future cats. You foolish girl, you are the lucky one, because being single on Valentine’s Day is not something to be bummed about at all, and here’s why…

Romance is awkward: I’m a genuinely awkward person, therefore I generally find romantic gestures rather uncomfortable. But take it from me, romance is AWKWARD. All that expectation and preparation – ain’t nobody got time for that. Also, I’m the bitch with impossible standards, so if you’re anything like me, men are always going to fall short, sorry.

It’s the one time you can actually pity people IN a relationship: While I’m sitting at home sipping my wine in bed, you are out pretending to be swooned by his failed attempt at cooking, or looking unimpressed that you got “all dressed up” to sit at a look out, in his car, which he didn’t even bother to clean! I know where I’d rather be….

yessss
You get out of wasting money on a shitty gift that he won’t appreciate anyway: You know how all your previous effort went unnoticed, guess what girls, this year you’re all on your own (but a good kind of alone). So instead of wasting your effort and coin on him, you can instead waste all your effort and money on yourself, because you deserve it!

The universe is giving you a day were its socially acceptable to hate on men: and boy oh boy does a mutual hatred of men unite us. Every other day of the year your repulsion towards cute couples makes you come across as a spiteful, malicious anti-love-demon, who wants to gouge lover’s eyes out. However, today the feelings mutual and you can bask in the knowledge that every single, single individual will be fueled with hate and disgust in the same manner in which you are everyday.  #acceptance

marinalove

You now get to spend it with the people you actually love, who are also “lonely”: Instead of spending your night dry humping at the drive-ins, you get to spend it with the ones whose company you truly enjoy the most. The best Valentines days will be the ones spent with your fellow singles.

Your Girlfriends become your Valentines and prove to be better Valentines, resulting in you falling in love with them all over again: Let’s face it, you’ve always preferred shopping for your girlfriends and now you get another occasion to do so. The irony is your girlfriends will probably appreciate your frilly red underwear and chocolates more than he ever did. Girl appreciation is the best kind of appreciation. Your partner will never understand you the way your friends do. Your girlfriends also don’t get awkward about you crying after a few too many glasses of wine – that’s true love right there.

girlfriends get it
You don’t have to share your chocolate or wine with anyone: One for me, and one for me. Nobody can tear that delicious box of Cadbury roses away from you now, you’re unstoppable.

You can laugh at awkward couples: Cringe, aren’t you glad that’s not you dry humping in the back of a commodore at the midnight screening of fifty shades of Grey? Yeah… me too.

wine

You’re single? You’re allowed to be a Psycho today, judgment free: It’s an unspoken rule. It’s totally acceptable for you to want to track down your ex boyfriends new flame and shave her head – doesn’t that sound fun? The universe is allowing you to be hung up on your current break up, and whether you choose to be the drunk girl sobbing all over her best friends lap, or the ex girlfriend from hell who’s cursing his name and promising karma his way, it’s totally acceptable. Your girlfriends expect you to be a psycho today. You’ve been mocked by sweet candy hearts with tacky love clichés and chocolate roses for too long! Even the sane eventually SNAP!

It allows for a little self pity… and wine: As much as I don’t promote self pity and feeling sorry for one’s self, sometimes you just need to wallow in your sorrow over a few wines, some sappy love songs and in good company. It can result in a lot of good.

sook
You can throw a swingers party, since your single now and all:
Not really, but you liked the thought of that, didn’t you?
You can throw a singles party with your lady loves: I like an excuse to gather up my friends and get drunk – Cheers Valentine’s Day. Being single is something worth celebrating!

hot mess


You can spoil & cherish yourself:
Why not re-name Valentine’s Day, “Singles appreciation Day”. Get with the times guys, in no way is being young and single something to be frowned upon. You overlook all your own personal achievements and needs in the pursuit of finding someone else, and you shouldn’t. Being single is your chance to be selfish, spoil yourself and bask in your own solitude and company… cherish that, because if you plan on getting married, that won’t last forever.

Because he was a selfish dick anyway: As if you’d want to spend another Valentine’s Day with him. You’re better off.

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