Let it Go: 31 ways to deal with a shitty break up

Being queen of the “I don’t need a man”committee means that I probably should have seen this coming from a mile away, and I did. Sometimes you’ve given all the physical indications that you’ve withdrawn yourself from a committed situation when you haven’t done so emotionally.

I’ve come to the realisation that men, for me, seem to be just a temporary thing at this point in my life. However, I wholeheartedly acknowledge that, that doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

So yeah… we broke up and  I panicked. I panicked because everything once again had become so unfamiliar and I felt unsettled. I’d given a year of myself to this person to end up here. A year of myself I had originally intended on giving to MYSELF. To bettering myself, as an individual. But out it flew, a year out the window, and now I’m left to deal with the repercussions.


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So I went through the “classic” break up notions for the first few days…

cried…cried some more, watched the Notebook (unintentionally) and cried, drank my weight in alcohol, posted a bunch of sappy posts to instagram… listened to corny love songs in the car on the way to work (which resulted in more crying)… had lots of girl time…and than, got the fuck over it. You know why I got over it? Because I realised quite quickly I wasn’t to blame and it wasn’t quite the tragedy I’d built it up to be. What you did was so beyond the valley of shit that I could not even be bothered trying to wrap my head around it. I say “you” because I know for once you will probably actually read my goddam blog.

So this is a weight off my shoulders coming into the New Year, and call me a heartless bitch if you want, but I couldn’t be happier. Yeah, it was shit. People are shit. Relationships at this age are shit, why do you think I’m so repulsed by everybody being so loved up around me. It was never what I wanted for myself at this point in time. I’m far to selfish to commit to someone at this point in my life. I like having options, and I like that I’m back to being me.


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But anyway, since it seems to be the season for break ups, and I’ve just done the whole “break up” thing, I thought I’d write up  a nice little list to vent, so here it is…

31 WAYS TO HANDLE A SHITTY BREAK UP

1. Start by not blaming yourself: His A male, that makes him automatically wrong. I don’t care if you cheated on him, it’s his fault. JUST KIDDING. But don’t beat yourself up about it. Whatever the circumstance – deal with it and move on.

2. Drown your sorrows in wine: I promise you, wine will make you feel sexier and more confident than he ever did. A wise drunk girl AKA my best friend, once said “I don’t know if it’s just me, but do you feel hotter when you’re drunk?” Yes, yes I do.

3. Think not of what you’ve lost, but what you’ve gained: You lost a person and yeah it sucks… but you still have all your limbs, so shits still pretty good, right? In my case, I gained myself back, my life (selfish me over here – ME ME ME), and a BEAUTIFUL support network of people who I absolutely adore.

4. Positives can stem from a negative: Think that something positive will come of it and it will. His done the worse thing he could possibly do to you now, it can’t get any worse, right? So it’s only up from here.

5. BE FREE: Remember how it felt to be unaffected by someone else’s struggles and problems – it’s a load off your shoulders. Nobody needs someone else’s emotional baggage. He had too many problems he expected you to fix, your no miracle worker, and god knows it will take a miracle to fix him.

6. Prioritise yourself: You do you. Do whatever you need to do to better YOU. Do the things he held you back from doing, because there’s nobody to blame but yourself if you don’t follow through now.

7. Do the things he hated:
It’s just the most satisfying feeling to date. You know that tree of life dress you love, that he hates, that he told you to never wear. YOU OWN THAT SHIT GIRL. Who gives a shit? I don’t live to please anybody but myself, asshole. AND, if I don’t feel like shaving my legs today, I WON’T.

8. PERV ON EVERYONE: It’s very therapeutic and provides all the stimulation and distractions required to progress forward and move the fuck on. It’s ok that you’re obsessed with the guy that works at the local bottle-O, his really cute ok, we’re practically already dating. I see him all the time, he doesn’t even card me anymore (although I’m pretty sure he was only carding me so he could find out where I live so he can stalk me). Yeah, we have heaps in common too, like, I like to drink, and he likes to sell me drinks. MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN, EM-I-RIGHT?

9. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF: I REPEAT, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. You have enough people feeling sorry for you as it is, instead pity his dumb ass; he just lost out, not you.

10. Have a creative outlet: Emotional release is so important. If you have an outlet to channel your rage or an emotional outlet, you will be so much better for it. Even if you need to take up boxing or frequent wine drinking – whatever helps you, I don’t judge. Writings personally my outlet because it allows me to articulate my thoughts and feelings (god knows I have a lot of those), but there’s plenty of things out there.

11. AVIOD casual hook ups: If it really makes you feel better, go for it. But from experience, no matter how nice a guy is to you after a break up, the biggest sweet heart will still repulse you simply because his a MALE. His the same gender as your ex (eww). Buy yourself a vibrator and get over it. Surround yourself with your lady friends, and than when you’re ready, have some fun. Just bask in the knowledge that you have options if someone does happen to catch your eye.

12. Love YOU: Spoil yourself. Treat yourself often. Even unleash your inner diva if need be. A little self-admiration never killed anyone. It’s the worst cliche in the world, but it’s important. Self loathing gets you nowhere.


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13. LAUGH OUT LOUD: Everyday. As often as possible, find something or someone to make you laugh, it’s the best medicine money can’t buy. Plus, laughing shows that you are genuinely happy. Nobody laughs when their sad.

14. Own that red lipstick: Werk-it-girrrrrrl. Make him hate himself for giving up those sexy lips. You can’t be ugly when you have coloured lips – true story.

15. Don’t get hung up on him: Don’t consume your mind with his life, don’t stalk him, and don’t try to figure him out – let him become someone else’s “problem”. You’re not his birth giver. You can’t keep wondering and driving yourself insane over it. I’m sure his Having fun with his new blonde haired, fake tits, wannabe-porn star. I heard she has the personality of a rock. She sounds like a dreamboat and she clearly has a lot going for her (intended sarcasm) – You two sound perfect for each other. Your mum must be thrilled. So proud.  No, but seriously, even knowing what you know, you need to disregard it.


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16. Cuddle a puppy: Because if nothing makes you feel better, a puppy will. PLUS, animals love being sobbed on #fact.

17. Throw a break up party: It’s for the best really… *takes a swig from wine bottle
Nothing says “I’m over you” like a life sized pinata of your ex.

18. No watching the notebook: I’m serious. Don’t torture yourself with that romanticised, Hollywood bullshit. Men are prics. I’m sorry, but yeah. The truth hurts, and RYAN GOSSLING DOESN’T WANT YOU…. sorry.

19. “It’s not me, it’s you”: Always remember whose loss it is. You were fine before him and you will be fine after him. You know how no one really cared that the two of you broke up…? Well yeah, no one really cares because nobody thought highly of him anyway.

20. See it as a learning curve: Shitty people are put in your life for a reason, whether it’s to build up your resilience as a person, or just to teach you never to date someone so stupid again. Learn from it if anything.

21. All the single ladies, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES: Surround yourself with single friends. People in long-term relationships or those in the “honeymoon phase” just don’t get it. They have a head full of mush. They are insensitive and infuriating… please stop sending me snap chats of the two of you. seriously dude. Don’t make me throw my phone at the wall.

22. Unleash your inner-feminist: Why not channel that rage into man hating? If it makes you feel better. No, but get passionate about something. Be self assured and grow a backbone, sister.

23. Don’t allow yourself to be pitied: You don’t need anybody feeling sorry for your ass. Pity him. I’m fine.


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24. When in doubt, TINDER: It’s the greatest from of drunken entertainment ever. You’re single, why not, desperate people are really amusing. You will feel automatically better about yourself and circumstance. Legit.

25. Give yourself closure: Don’t let it linger. Tell yourself whatever you need to hear to be done with it, and do whatever needs to be done to put it behind you. Don’t allow yourself to be strung along and don’t assume. Don’t assume someone is going to do the right thing by you, just because you’ve done the right thing by them. Sometimes you just have to stop caring.

26. Think of all the POSSIBILITIES: You know how your planning that contiki trip to Europe with your girlfriend, and she was telling you how great it’s going to be for her, being single and getting to hook up with all those sexy European boys… guess who gets to hook up with sexy European boys now – YOU DOO! Think of all the hot sexy European boys you could have missed out on.


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27. Be an attention-whore: post as many hot (or not so hot) drunken photos as your little heart desires. You sexy thang, you. But don’t post depressing shit. No, no no no no no. Nobody likes that sort of an attention whore.

28. Exercise more: You already have a great ass, but we want to give Kimmi-K a run for her money – get your butt to the gym girl and do them squats. It’s a great distraction and it has positive results on both your health and well being. Plus it releases good endorphins, so you’ll be a little ball of glowing sunshine.

29. Don’t try to understand: You won’t ever understand men. Give up now, SAVE YOURSELF. SAVE WHAT LITTLE SANITY YOU HAVE LEFT. Gain a “fuck you” attitude, thatta-girl.

30. Be a BITCH: you have every right to be. Get your confidence back, find your feet. Belt out some Cher in the car, because you’re “strong enough” to get through this. Laugh at his misfortune. He lost you, what’s more unfortunate than that.

31. KARMA. It’s a vicious circle: He should Consider himself lucky he doesn’t have a car because I would have been inclined to slash his tyres. Lucky for him I’m a firm believer in the power of karma. Karma’s a bitch; I’ll just leave it at that.

You may now refer to me as the Taylor Swift of the blogging world. No, but seriously… I’m not bitter.

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