How not to be a dickhead – A simple step-to-step guide to becoming an all round better human being (experiences may vary)

Maybe you’ve started to notice that people find it hard to be in your presence for longer than 5 minutes, or that they roll their eyes at your ignorant, misogynistic jokes. If this applies to you, I highly suggest you read on, because I’m going to give you a step-to-sep guide of instructions so thorough, that you’ll never be called a “dickhead” again.


dickhead1

Let’s start with…

APPEARANCE:
Firstly, when leaving the house, make sure your attire is decent! Iron your shirt (you may want to get your mother to do this for you, because irons are hot and quite often a foreign thing to the male species). Ensure your boxers/underwear is kept neatly tucked BENEATH your pants – nobody wants to see hairy ass crack. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE BRUSHED YOUR TEETH – morning breath is highly unpleasant, as is coffee breath. Lastly if you are wearing a snap back or crocs, take them off and burn them.

CONVERSATION:
When initiating a conversation with anyone, especially in company of the female kind, try to avoid talking about your dick and how “big” it is. Maybe try instead paying your company a nice compliment like, “I like what you’ve done with your hair today” or try some general conversation like, “how was your weekend”, rather than boasting about yourself. Try to avoid starring at your lady companies boobs – doesn’t really fit in the category of a “respectable human being”. You could also pretend to show an interest in someone’s life other than your own, by asking them specific things such as – “how’s your job at ….?” – this lets the other person know you actually do take an interest in things other than your dick.

AVOID boasting about your degree, career, shit box car or how much you “lift”… we don’t care. Basically avoid any conversation you would initiate around your male friends – we’re not your male friends.It’s especially important to AVOID making misogynistic jokes – by “misogynistic” I mean jokes about women in the kitchen etc.


kimmi

COMMON COURTESY:
I understand that these two words are probably completely foreign to you as a reader, most likely because you feel you are more than “common” and well, courtesy? Probably not in your vocabulary. To be courteous you must display manners – say things such as “please”, “thank you”, “sorry” and “excuse me” when the appropriate situation arises. Here are some examples of how to put these phrases into practice:

When someone says’s to you, “That shirt really suits you” – instead of saying “I know”, like a cocky asshole, you could instead say, “thanks, I bought it from…”

Instead of demanding that your bitch make you a sandwich, you could instead rephrase the sentence like so – “Could you please make me a sandwich while you’re up?” – This will increase your chances of getting a sandwich by 70%, and reduce your chances of getting either slapped or dumped in the future.

Next time you spill your drink on a girl in a bar and she turns around and gives you a filthy, you could try saying “sorry”, it’s very simple, only one word to remember! This is usually a better approach than calling her a “bitch” or a “slut” because she gave you a filthy in front of your mates, even though you’re the dick that spilt the drink on her.

Lastly, if you’re in a hurry to get somewhere, instead of knocking over the poor old lady straggling along in front of you, just say “excuse me”. I’m sure she will be more than happy to shuffle out of your way to let you past.

Respect is key, you must act with consideration and politely in social manners – this means occasionally letting someone else choose the movie, or activity. This means not slapping a random girl’s ass in a club and not being a giant sleaze bag – If you want that ass, take her out for dinner and treat her like a lady, not an object.


abbott

SOCIAL MEDIA & TEXTING:
DELETE YOUR TINDER ACCOUNT. Now that, that’s done, remove yourself from chat-roulette, or any other social media platforms that will possibly indicate you are an unrespectable dick. Avoid snap-chatting or sending a dick pick – you will be ridiculed and humiliated and that may result in your big egotistic head combusting. DO NOT add girls simply because their “hot”. DO NOT make inappropriate comments on their photos about their lady parts. DO NOT inbox them asking for a “root” or anything of that nature.


marina you god

And… that’s basically it. If you can follow these SIMPLE principles and display common decency and respect, you will no longer be deemed a “dickhead” in the eyes of society – You’re welcome.

A LITTLE SIDE NOTE: When I was asked to write a “thorough set of instructions” for a writing portfolio, I couldn’t resist the urge to mock such a redundant task. Considering the amount of dickheads I seem to be surrounded by on a daily bases seems to be on the incline, I couldn’t help myself, I had to write and submit this. It’s tongue in cheek, but I hope you enjoyed reading it! ALSO – YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY SHARE THIS WITH A “DICKHEAD”… I’m sure you all thought of someone while reading this post !

Cay x

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2 comments

  1. Hey now, that’s a bit rough on snapbacks don’t you think. What’s so “dickhead” about me wanting to not do my hair/support my sports team(s)/protect my eyes and face from the sun?

    1. It’s all in jest. If you take anything a say to seriously you will end up offended haha!
      Im only writing from my own personal encounters. But i do personally find snapbacks very “dicky” even when my boyfriend wears them haha!

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